The Team

Duke, alias il Duce, the Headmaster and other names not printable here, may seem like nothing more than the team’s “senior member”, but in reality is a disenfranchised lifeform from the planet Zog. He will never age, weaken or learn how to talk properly, due to his internal systems. He re-energises using a plasma injector which he keeps at home in his loft, hence the numerous hours spent up there, banging his head, and is in fact 743 of our Earth years old. One interesting fact I was able to glean is why he was banned from Zog. It seems they play a game not unsimilar to Earth’s football, which they call ‘Killball’. The aim is not to score goals but to corner an opponent against a wall, with or without the ball and kick them to death. If you then pick up the ball and show the ref that you have it, you are awarded 1 point. Those of you who played last week will now realise why Duke considered the position of goalkeeper to be a total irrelevance, and only managed to understand the ‘rush’ bit of ‘rush keeper’. Duke was one of the leading Killball players on the planet but was banished from Zog for being ‘too rough’. He killed the ref as well, because he couldn’t see the point of him. Duke is a purist.

Volka, or Herr Professor Doktor Straub to you, was for many years the youngest member of the team, and therefore much too energetic for some. Not only does he run about too much, too fast, but he also persists in disrupting the cosy little lives of the other members, having organised not one but now three trips abroad. Nevertheless, they usually forgive him his boyish enthusiasm (at least in public), since he also holds the important position of Team Researcher, and from goat-suckers to esoteric Czech animal-loving customs, he’s your Mann.