12oz soft marge
16oz glace cherries
1lb 4oz seedless raisins
3/4 pint cold water
2 large tablespoons golden syrup
1lb 8oz S R flour
3 large eggs
1 large bottle whisky
1. Pour a measure of whisky into a clean tumbler. You would qualify if you had a shower and did a forward roll.
2. Put marge, sugar, cherries, raisins and water into a large pan. Bring to the boil, stirring regularly, then simmer for 20 minutes
3. Check the quality of the whisky by sipping a good measure through a straw.
4. Grease and line with greaseproof paper, 3 round 7 inch (diameter) cake tins (or similar eg loaf tins or 2 bigger.I use a 6,a 7 and an 8 inch tin)
5. Ascertain the correct temperature of the whisky by takng the mouth of the bottle roughly to your lips and taking 2 big swigs (no tongues)
6. Turn heat off and stir in syrup. Place pan in sink of cold water to cool. Put oven on at 150 deg C.
7. Return to the inlixitating toquor and try to make friends with it by cuddling it in one arm and sipping gently but regularly from the neck.
8. Get your 3 large eggs from the fridge………….no, that’s the dishwasher…..yes, that’s the fridge,…………. no, that’s six eggs….I know its difficult
9. Have a litle tot of whisky, that’ll make you feel better.
10. Beat the eggs till they are runny……no, you should have put them in a bowl first…..yes, I know I didn’t say ‘put them in a bowl’ but I thought…
11. No, I wasn’t shouting at you. Stop crying and have a big drink of the hot stuff. Look, its nearly all gone
12. Stir the flour and the eggs into the fruit mix.
13. Finish off the bottle of wishkey
14. Spoon into the three tins and stand in the hot oven………how did you get in there?………. I meant stand the tins in the oven
15. Leave them for 45 minutes then check for even baking, another 45 minutes, then the one on the lower shelf might need another 45 min
16. You should now relax with a large scotch and let the oven take the strain
Leave in oven till well browned www.kitchenmagicians.com/thesillyarsehastriedtobakeacake will come and renovate the kitchen
If you remove items 1,3,5,7,9,11,13 from the method you will have 3 excellent cakes but not nearly as much fun
If you can’t be doing with the above, ask John to bring you one to the next Friday football