Epistles of John from Cyprus 2012

(see also Epistles of John 2011)

3 John

What’s going on back in Blighty? Two weeks in a row HWGE HNGE in prime footie season! Out here its much the same. The house in which I am staying, exotically known as 21 Riverside Road, is right opposite the main entrance to the local football ground which is presently unused as they HNGE. In their case, what they haven’t got is money. However, they have been taken over by the Othonos Brothers, a local building firm who are putting up holiday homes as fast as they can for the influx of Russians. There is a rumour that the Othonos boys are just a front for a big Russian investor so I’m watching for Roman’s yacht to slip into Paphos harbour. If I spot him I’ll ask if he fancies hosting a HWGE weekend to put his new club on the map.
I note Duke is a persistent absentee and wondered if, following his French adventure, he had taken up boules. I observed that he was quite smitten by the equipment. “Nah that’s wot I cawl a bawl. I can see the point of avin a bawl if its made of solid metal”
I hope in the absence of regular footie you’re all keeping fit. I am sure AC in KL is running fast to elude the lady boys. I clamber the precipitous hills behind Peyia for a couple of hours each day before breakfast, trying to keep up with my wife and evading wild dogs, savage dogs, large snakes and yesterday having to choose between traversing a cliff top with an 80 ft drop or running through a slurry-filled pig pen. I chose the cliff top, Ann chose the pig pen. Both our trainers needed shit cleaning off them when we got home. I don’t like heights. The locals say that even pretending to pick up a stone can stop you being attacked by enraged animals but it didn’t work for me against an onrushing wife bemoaning the demise of her new Saucony Pro Grid Paramounts with the Extended Heel Lug, EVA Midsole Waffle and Duo Density Archforms.
Being a Brit inCyprus now is very passé. I mentioned the Russkies. Even the villa builders advertising boards at the airport are now in Greek and Russian, not English. Now the Chinese are coming. They have already bought 20 Riverside Road. What do they want with coming to Cyprus when they’ve got all that lovely China to play in? I was told that in school the Cypriots are now taught about the brave struggles for independence against the evil Brits 60 years ago. No-one’s ever grateful these days are they. In the 40′s we taught them how to make Afternoon Tea and even now we are trying to train them to use Poopa Scoopers, with very little success. Something seems to have got lost in the interpretation because the dogs crap wherever they want and the people carry little plastic bags out of the toilet.

Here’s hoping you get a game tonight.

Cheers, John